Well, it has been 14 days.
And it has become increasingly clear that finding activities to keep you occupied for a two week self-quarantine is not the game.
The game is now sustaining a life and maintaining a measure of serenity while remaining at home for an indefinite period of time.
Learning how to be present.
How to let go when your entire field of work has been cancelled indefinitely.
How to accept that the best you can do is let the people who can help do their jobs, and not create any additional strain on the system.
And… how to throw a really excellent house party for exactly two people.
1/3rd of the planet is actively adapting to a new, more isolated lifestyle. However temporary it may be, it’s what we’re learning to live with right now.
I’ve been talking about entertainment skills, but there’s a lot of new lifestyle lessons I’ve been learning. This is not a lifestyle of fabulous nightlife. It’s a lifestyle of fabulous home organization and kitchen management. It’s about DIY crafts and baking from scratch. It’s about meticulously detailed projects that you’d never otherwise have the time for. It’s about fabulously stylish patience.
Here are some of the new things I’m looking forward to learning in the continuing Lifestyles of the Patiently Isolated and Fabulous.
- How to make homemade jam
- How to make ginger beer
- How to make pie crust, sweet rolls, and biscuits from scratch.
- How to juggle five objects in a house with low ceilings
- How to cut my own hair
- How to produce a digital play from my home office
- How to create a hand-drawn animation
Things That Belong in Bike Lanes:
- Recumbent bicycles
- Tandem bicycles
- Very ambitious unicycles
Things That Do Not Belong in Bike Lanes:
- Parked cars
- Trash Cans
- Oblivious pedestrians
- Lawn mowers
- Banana peels
- Red or Green Turtle Shells
- Roller Derby teams
- Stampeding Rhinoceroses
I’m a busy person. I’m sure many of my readers are busy people too. With day jobs, night jobs, side jobs, hobbies, habits, gigs, and of course the overwhelming time-suck of the internet, most people just don’t feel like they have enough time. It is up to each of us to find ways to cope with lack of time.
I multitask a lot. Twice, I have managed to attend two meetings at the same time. The first time I put them right next to each other and sat in the middle. The second I just ran back and forth a lot. I’ve learned about multitasking that there’s a point where it no longer becomes effective. Either it takes more energy to do both tasks at the same time than it does to do them separately, or it makes the quality of the work you do so poor you have to redo it.
If you’re trying to figure out if you’ve crossed the line between effective and ineffective multitasking, here’s a helpful guide.
Optimize Your Life in 5 Easy Steps
- Get rid of time wasters. Like Angry Birds. Or employment.
- Cut out unnecessary expenses. Do you really need to pay rent?
- Streamline your routines. Spend too long picking clothes in the morning? Get rid of them.
- Simplify your diet. Fruit is full of nutrients and bugs are high in protein. It’s that simple.
- Connect with nature. Live in the forest.
The best lifestyle is the gorilla lifestyle.
Without claiming anything about my hipster status, I will admit that I was at a local coffeeshop watching an indie singer/songwriter perform this weekend. (Ramaya Soskin– that’s right, you’ve probably never heard of him.)
There were some young parents with a one-year-old child in the audience. They appeared to be regulars to this sort of performance, and got settled in to their seats with some pastries, drinks, and their daughter. As Ramaya started his set, the loud volume of the music began to distress their daughter, as loud noises tend to do.
These parents, rather than taking their child outside, thus depriving both themselves and their child of the music they came to hear, surprised me. The father picked up his daughter and began dancing with her to the music in an attempt to soothe her. Meanwhile, the mother produced from her bad a child-sized noise reducing headset- the kind normally spotted at a shooting range. They put these on their little girl and continued watching the concert, swaying in the back of the room with their contented daughter.
As a married young adult, the thought of how having children can impact your lifestyle is definitely a prominent one in my mind. Watching such effective problem-solving that allowed for both the parents’ interests and their child’s happiness was a highlight of my evening.
Now, studies have shown that the best way to have better sex is to use effective birth control and STD prevention. This reduces stress about all those issues before, during, and after sex, and allows people to focus on really enjoying what they’re doing. By being less worried about all the other things that go wrong, this can have a bigger positive impact than any advice from Cosmo.
With that thought in mind, I give you A Trifle Manic’s 14 Tips for More Enjoyable Sex:
- Wash your bedding regularly
- Brush and floss your teeth daily
- Check your smoke detectors, and replace the batteries every 6 months.
- (for ladies) Invest in bras that really fit you well
- (for men) Use plenty of deodorant
- Replace your mattress every 8 years
- Get regular exercise
- Keep 3 months of expenses in savings for emergencies
- Maintain a good credit score
- Change your oil every 4000-6000 miles
- Save 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico
- Don’t run from a T-Rex, as the movement makes it easier for them to spot you
- Avoid drinking your own urine when trapped on a raft. Create a solar still to desalinate seawater, and save your urine as a sanitary liquid for cleaning wounds.
- Pack severed digits or limbs in ice to preserve them for better surgical reattachment.
Things that are great driving food:
- carrot sticks
- beef jerky
- Rice Crispy Treats
Things that are not great driving food:
- canned soup
- crab claws
- small rodents
After witnessing two teenagers awkwardly making out on the hood of a car behind the Whataburger drive-through lane (great date planning, guys) I’ve decided that people need a new series of hashtags for various life scenarios. We already have the #nofilter, so why not-
#noPDAfilter (see above)
#nolanguagefilter (for people who talk like an HBO script)
#notastefilter (for philistines)
#nooilfilter (for people who don’t do regular car maintenance)
#noliverfilter (alcohol enemas should NEVER be a thing, come on guys)
#nowaterfilter (In case you have twitter access while still being one of the millions dying due to lack of clean water)
Last night, after my final dress rehearsal for As You Like It, I finished reading And Here’s the Kicker. While the book itself was quite good, the most noteworthy aspect was that it marked the 100th book I have finished reading in the past year. I began keeping track at the beginning of last summer, and in 11 months I have read 19,402 pages, plus 56 hours of audiobooks. For statistics fans, this is an average book length of 194 pages and 34 minutes.
Do I get an award for this volume of reading outside of an academic environment? No.
Have I gained anything from this volume of reading? I certainly hope so.
There are endless ways I could sort out the information I dealt with while reading these books, but here are some I consider the most important:
Most Thought Provoking Books:
Books with the best Advice: